When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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