The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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