Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
