There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
She swung at the pinata with crutches
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
