i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
