you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
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