Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
