Cold hands, warm shart.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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