I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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