somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
