A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
did i walk over a car last night?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
