No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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