Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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