She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
i think im in europe. pls send help
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