My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
