No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
