just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize