Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
