i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Randomize
