I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
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