Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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