I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
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When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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