so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
