If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
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What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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