my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
