Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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