it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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