I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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