im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
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you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
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