My liver just broke up with me...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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