Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Randomize
