is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
