Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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