I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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