I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
