Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
