sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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