Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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