We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
