We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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