I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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