Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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