I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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