I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
