i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
