on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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