I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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