What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
