My boss' voice literally gives me gas
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Randomize
