Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Slut skills are useful in every country.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
