I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
