I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
