I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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