Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
