He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I need moral support for this bender
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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