you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
