He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
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Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
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It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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