remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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