He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
