I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
