Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
