It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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