the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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