He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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