I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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