hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
