The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I love you. Go after that dick
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
