i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
