Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
